Finding their way back
by TKR.87
Summary: They had been dating for nearly 5 months when Casey had accused the blonde of cheating on her, and everyone could see what it was doing to these women being apart. Less than 2 weeks apart and they were both heading down two different self destructive paths. Can they find there way back? A/C story.
1. Chapter 1

**This idea came to me today while on my lunch break, and I thought I'd get started on it. This is another Calex pairing and includes all your favourite SVU and Law and Order Characters, including Serena Southerlyn, Abbie Carmichael and Kim Greyleck. **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters related to the Law and Order Franchise, if I did, I'd be living in a huge house with my own pool and private boat instead of sitting in my room writing this fic, which I think is obvious. **

**This story starts two weeks after Casey and Alex split up and deals with them trying to come to terms and understand what has happened between them while going down some very dangerous and self destructive paths. **

**I'm not too sure about the rating of this one at the moment, I am going to go safe and put it as M because I am sure that when these two stubborn women actually screw there head on straight, there shall be some intimate scenes. **

Chapter 1:

"Have any of you spoken to Alex today?" Olivia asked as she sat at the table with her friends in the local bar one Friday. It was a regular occurrence for the brunette detective to meet with her friends when she was able to, yet regardless of whether she was in the middle of a big case, the group would still meet and leave an invitation open if she was able to attend.

Serena, Kim and Abbie were ADA's and the best of friends. Abbie had been an ADA for SVU before a permanent replacement was found in the form of Alexandra Cabot. Known as Alex to her friends but the Ice Queen to many of her colleagues and enemies, the blonde was passionate yet stubborn and her cold exterior was just one of the attributes to contribute to the nickname.

"I haven't spoken to her for nearly a week Liv" Abbie replied furrowing her brows "Was she not at work?"

Alex had gone AWOL from the office a couple of days ago and even though Olivia had called her numerous times, she had only ever got the blonde's annoying voicemail.

"I haven't seen her since Tuesday" Olivia replied "Since she and Casey split up, she's been completely out of character"

"She's not the only one" Kim added as she pointed over at the bar where a certain redhead was downing shots as if they were water

"Since when has Casey drunk shots like that?" Serena asked with a raise of the brow

"Since she split up with Alex" Kim replied "I've tried getting her to slow down or come and sit with us, but she's not having any of it"

"They're a mess when they're apart" Olivia mused "When I saw Alex on Tuesday she looked so tired I thought she would pass out in court and I'm certain she's lost weight as well"

"I don't get why they broke up in the first place" Serena questioned "I thought they were happy together"

"Alex said that they had this massive argument where Casey accused her of cheating because she hadn't been home in like 3 days, but Alex told me that she'd never cheat and that she was working non-stop on a case" Abbie explained

"She was, I was working 3 days straight myself trying to catch the guy. We were both shattered, she slept in her office at least one of those nights because she was still asleep on the couch when I came to give her more evidence the next morning" Olivia told them

"She's going to get terribly drunk" Kim mused as she watched the redhead down the vodka and coke she had just ordered before getting up and heading to where Casey was arguing with the bartender.

"Casey!" Kim shouted at the redhead "You've had enough. Now come and sit down before you fall down"

"Leave me alone I'm not drunk not even a little" the redhead slurred steadying herself with her hand on the bar

"Casey, come and sit down" Kim said firmly as she took the redheads arm by the elbow

"Gerroff me" she said pulling away sharply, causing herself to stumble backwards before she began to giggle

Kim rolled her eyes and looked helplessly over at her friends who were watching the scene unfold. Serena shook her head as she stood and approached the two women.

"Casey, how about we go back to mine and have some more to drink?" she suggested, causing Kim to glare at her

"Ooh and it's free" Casey accepted the offer as she staggered across the floor

"Serena, she doesn't need anything else" Kim said in a harsh whisper

"And she's not going to get it. Trust me, by the time she gets home, she'll have sobered up a bit" Serena replied before turning to the bartender "Please can I have 3 bottles of stilled water?"

Kim thanked Serena before she made her way back to Abbie and Olivia who were deep in conversation about Alex.

"Do you think we should head over there? Check she's okay?" Olivia asked

"Are you really that worried?" Abbie answered with her own question.

Olivia nodded as she downed the last of the beer she had been drinking "None of us have heard from her since Tuesday which is when I last saw her, that leaves me worried"

"Serena's taken Casey home to sober up" Kim explained

"Do you think she'll be okay by herself?" Olivia asked with her brow raised

"Yeah, Re's not gonna stand for no shit, don't you worry about it" Kim answered, causing Abbie to chuckle

"You're so eloquent when you get drinking Kim"

"I only had one glass of wine Abbie" the brunette replied poking her tongue out as the three women stood up and exited the bar.

* * *

Meanwhile Serena and Casey were in the back of the taxi which had just driven round the block for its fourth time. Serena had promised to pay the driver double his owed fair.

Casey had thrown up for the second time and was now groaning and resting her head on the blonde's shoulder. Her eyes were closed but she wasn't sleeping. Serena had used this trick a couple of times in the past of various friends who had gotten themselves a little too drunk, and it was working a gem on the redhead.

"I think I'm going to be sick again" Casey groaned as the taxi halted to a stop outside the blonde's apartment

Serena opened the door and led Casey from the vehicle just in time for the redhead to lurch forward and spray the pavement with another alcohol heavy pile of vomit.

Serena handed the driver his fair before he sped off into the night. Serena rubbed the redhead's back and waited for her to catch her breath before she groaned and leant her weight against the blonde

Serena sighed as she led Casey into the building and up the stairs. She didn't particularly want to have to notify the janitor that Casey had thrown up in the elevator so she opted for the stairs, hoping the walk would sober her up further.

"Thanks" Casey murmured as the blonde unlocked the door to her apartment and pushed it open

"Sit on the couch with this" Serena instructed handing the redhead a trashcan before she headed into the kitchen to make coffee

When she returned Casey had fallen asleep lying slightly askew on the couch, one arm draped by her side the other still holding the trashcan, her mouth was ajar and she was out for the count.

Serena sighed as she took a duvet from the closet, draping it over the sleeping woman before she settled herself in the armchair opposite. She wasn't going to risk the redhead escaping before she had a chance to talk to her and she was also worried about Casey being sick again. She didn't want the woman to choke even if she was angry at her behaviour.

Serena had never seen Casey like this before and they'd known each other for a long time. Casey was usually a happy and overly excited drunk when they'd go out as a group but she had been a drunk in denial tonight and it worried the blonde immensely. Not the mention that she had already seen the redhead hung-over twice this past week and neither she nor the girls had been with her while she'd been drinking.

She didn't understand why Casey and Alex had parted ways. Abbie had told them that Casey had accused Alex of cheating, but they'd always had arguments before. What was so different about this one and why were both women completely torn by the split? Surely if they were both feeling that bad without the other then they should try and make up.

Switching on the TV Serena decided she'd let the redhead sleep a while before waking her. While tomorrow was the weekend and neither of them was scheduled to work, Serena had made plans and she wasn't going to change them unless it was absolutely necessary.

A short while later she heard a groan come from the couch as Casey awoke, squinting at the light "Someone please turn the lights out"

Serena chuckled "You look like shit Novak"

"I feel it. Wait, what am I doing here Re?"

"You got yourself drunk, Novak. Luckily the old Southerlyn Cure worked on you, or you'd be feeling a lot worse" Serena explained

Casey groaned as she sat up "Have you got any Tylenol?"

"I should actually refuse Casey and maybe then you might actually stop acting so careless"

"I don't need the lecture Serena, I feel dreadful"

"Yeah, well. It's your own fault Casey. This is the third time in the last week you've got yourself into this state and quite frankly, it worries me"

"I'm fine, I just want to enjoy myself" Casey replied nonchalantly before groaning again "Please get me some Tylenol"

Serena headed into the bathroom, and returned a few minutes later with 2 Tylenol pills and a glass of water she had gotten from the kitchen on the way back.

"Here" she said handing them to the redhead before she sat down, crossing her legs and looking intently at the redhead

"What?" Casey said turning her head away

"You're a mess Casey. Is Alex worth getting yourself into this state over?"

"It has nothing to do with her" Casey replied

"Well I'm sorry but I don't believe you. Ever since you and she split up, you've been a complete and utter disgrace"

"She cheated on me!" Casey exclaimed

Serena shook her head "No, Casey, she didn't and to be honest I think you've been a complete and utter ass to her. She was working, hard and you've broken that woman's heart. When did you last see her Casey?"

"Um…I…" the redhead furrowed her brows "I don't know"

"Exactly, she's not been going to work and none of us have heard from her since Liv aw her on Tuesday. I'm worried about her, and I worry about you too"

"I'm fine"

"No, you're not! You can keep saying that over and over and you may believe it, but it doesn't make it true. Both of you need each other"

"If she needed me, she could call" Casey replied

Serena huffed "You accused her of cheating. She thinks you hate her"

"Well, she won't answer my calls"

"And she's not answering mine either, or Abbie's or Kim's and not Olivia's. She won't talk to anyone"

Casey shrugged her shoulders "I don't care"

"Another god damn lie" Serena sighed "Whatever, I'm tired. I want to sleep, you can have the couch"

Casey watched as Serena stood and departed the room. The redhead sighed as she threw her head back on the couch and let the tears fall from her eyes. She missed Alex like crazy but she was as stubborn as the blonde. When they had first started dating, many said they wouldn't last because they were both too hard headed and sure of themselves.

They had been dating for nearly 5 months when Casey had accused the blonde of cheating on her, and everyone could see what it was doing to these women being apart. Less than 2 weeks apart and they were both heading down two different self destructive paths.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to those that have reviewed so far. I'm sort of switching things around in this story, so it might be a slightly different A/C pairing to what I normally write but hope it doesn't disappoint. **

Chapter 2:

"Alex?" Olivia called through the apartment door later that evening. She, Kim and Abbie had decided to head over to her apartment, all were concerned as she hadn't been heard from in the last three days and they had been knocking for nearly 5 minutes

"Do you think we should let ourselves in?" Kim questioned as she dig around in her purse for the spare keys she kept on Alex's insistence.

"Alex? We're going to let ourselves in okay?" Olivia called into the apartment

Kim unlocked the door and pushed it open. They could hear faint sobbing coming from somewhere inside

"Alex, can you tell us where you are?" Olivia asks as she places her hand on her gun, just in case.

Abbie picks up a few items of clothing and Olivia recognises them as the clothes Alex wore on Tuesday "Leave them where they are Abs" she says quietly as the sobbing gets louder

Kim hurries into the bedroom where Alex is curled up on the bed, tears streaming down her pale and tired looking face

"Hey, Alex" she whispers sitting next the blonde

Alex doesn't respond and Kim raises her brows, shrugging her shoulders and Abbie approaches.

"Alex, can you talk to us?" she asks gently

Alex still doesn't respond, in fact her cries seem to intensify as Olivia enters the room. "Don't crowd the woman" she tells Kim and Abbie "Let her breath"

"I'll go and get her a flannel or something" Abbie decides, noting the mascara stained cheeks of the blonde

As she enters the bathroom, she gasps "Olivia!"

Olivia hurries into the bathroom and immediately notices the blood in the sink and a razor blade by the tap. She shakes her head, signalling to Abbie not to cause a scene. "Go with Kim and get us something to eat"

Abbie nods as her eyes fill with tears "Kim" she whispers "Come with me"

Kim furrows her brows but kisses the blonde on the forehead before exiting the bedroom.

Olivia braces herself before heading out into the bedroom. She isn't surprised that Alex has turned to self harming, in fact she had once suspected that it was part of the blonde's teenage years after noting a couple of scars on Alex's thigh the first time they went swimming.

"Alex" she says tentatively "Can I see?"

Alex turns and looks at Olivia, who takes the blonde's hands, and begins to roll up her sleeves

"It's nothing Liv. Please" Alex says pulling her arms away and wiping her eyes frantically, her voice is hoarse and weak

"Al, sweetie, please. Just let me look"

Alex reluctantly allows Olivia to roll up her sleeves revealing 4 cuts across the blonde's left arm. Alex feels the tears begin to well again "I don't want to talk about it Liv"

Olivia nods "I'm not going to make you. I just want you to know that I'm here to listen as is everyone else. Is it because of Casey?"

Alex nods before her tears choke her words "I miss her Liv" she cries

"I know. She misses you too Alex. She's been drinking a lot. Serena had to take her home because she was drunk and causing a scene at the bar this evening"

"She accused me of cheating Olivia. I would never cheat on her, ever. I love her so much"

"Hey. I know Alex. Have you tried ringing her?"

"I wanted to, but then I…she hurt me Olivia" Alex tries taking a breath but the sobs continue in full force

"You don't need to hurt yourself Alex"

"It's just something I used to do, and with everything that happened, I just needed something to…make me feel" Alex tries to explain

"I know" the brunette says comfortingly as she pulls the blonde into her arms "But please, stop"

"I'll try"

Olivia sighed, reluctantly accepting the blonde's answer as she comforted her in her arms.

"Liv, you don't need to stay" Alex says quietly before pulling away

"I do" the brunette replies "Where have you been Alex; you haven't been into work since Tuesday"

"I've just been here"

"How much have you eaten in those three days, Alex? You need to eat"

"I'm not hungry" Alex murmured

"Alex, please. Just something small, I hate seeing you like this. Is Casey really worth getting yourself sick over?"

"I'm already sick!" Alex cried "I'm sick of pretending I'm okay, sick of not being trusted, and sick of having to prove that I love her, I'm sick of everything"

"Hey" Olivia said soothingly as she reached out to touch the blonde

"No" Alex said firmly shrugging away from the comfort "I want you to go Olivia"

"I'm not leaving you. I'll be in the living room when you want to join us. Kim and Abbie have gone to get something to eat from the take-out place down the road" Olivia says as she stands up from the bed. As she exits the bedroom she hears Alex begin to cry and makes a decision.

Taking her cell from her purse, she dials Serena's number. Putting it to her ear, she hopes she's doing the right thing.

* * *

Meanwhile Serena is sitting on her bed, listening to Casey throw up in the bathroom. She had tried to comfort the redhead but she had been adamant she was fine. Serena knew that she had to keep an eye on the redhead because Casey had a tendency to run when she didn't want a conversation.

Serena sighed as her cell rang, seeing it was Olivia she answered quickly

"Hey Liv"

"How's Casey?"

"She's sobered quite a bit, she's being sick at the moment" Serena explained

"Alex is a mess Re and I mean it. She's been cutting herself"

Serena gasps, clamping a head over her mouth "Oh my god, the poor woman. Is she okay? Well, I mean, she's obviously not okay but…"

"She hasn't moved from her bed except for the toilet in what seems like three days. She hasn't been eating and you can tell"

"Is there anything I can do?" Serena asks, still in shock

"Tell Casey she needs to get over here and sort things out. I thought Casey was taking it badly but Re, Alex looks like she's just given up" Olivia tells the blonde

"I'll talk to Casey, and I'll probably bring her over tomorrow. Olivia, keep an eye on Alex"

"I will. Abbie and Kim have just popped out to get something to eat. I'm gonna stay tonight, she shouldn't be by herself" Olivia tells the blonde

Serena thanks Olivia for calling and decides its time she talks to Casey.

Heading out into the living room she notices Casey's cheeks are stained with fresh tears "Case, can I come sit?"

The redhead nods as she shuffles over on the couch. She wipes her tears and takes a breath "I'm sorry Re"

"I know" the blonde says quietly "I just got off the phone with Olivia. I have something you need to hear"

"What is it?" Casey asks raising her brow

"She's at Alex's. Case, Alex has been hurting herself"

Casey gasps "She told me she used to do that when she was a teenager. She's cutting again?"

Serena nods as she watches Casey begin to cry "She's a mess Casey. Olivia says she's not been eating either and hasn't left her bed by the looks of things. I know you're stubborn and you think if she needs you she'll come to you but you know Alex, she's just as stubborn and she's proud, she doesn't like being weak so for her to be hurting herself it's serious. You need to go over there and talk to her"

"I didn't mean to hurt her Serena"

"I know you didn't. You missed her and you were stressed, you took it out on the one person you love more than anything. Don't throw this away. You're both in a bad place, you need her and she needs you" Serena said firmly while still trying to sound comforting

Casey sighs as she begins to think how much her accusations must have hurt the blonde. She knew that Alex was a sensitive woman even if her ice queen exterior said otherwise.

**What happens when Casey tries to talk to Alex? **


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for your reviews, glad you are enjoying, and it means a lot to read the kind words you give. **

**Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter written and posted. My 6th Nephew was born on Friday and my sister and her other boys live with us, so it's been a bit hectic getting the place sorted for a baby and then she came home yesterday evening. Plus my other sister and her boys were over, they're ages 4, 3 and the little one is 12 weeks. So...I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

Chapter 3:

The next morning Serena and Casey made their way over to Alex's apartment. Olivia had called about 20 minutes ago with an update. Alex had eating a few mouthfuls of the Chinese that Kim and Abbie had brought back and then retreated back to her bed. Olivia had tried talking to her but all attempts had been shut down with "I'm fine" or "It's not your concern".

Olivia had slept in the armchair in Alex's room, hoping that if Alex got up in the middle of the night, she would hear and stop her from hurting herself if that was her plan. However Alex had not stirred from her bed, and therefore Olivia had managed to catch a couple of hours. Kim and Abbie had gone home, yet were on high alert if Olivia was called in to work. While she wasn't scheduled to work, if a case came up and she was needed, she'd go in.

Serena sighed as she pulled her car into the garage below Alex's building. Casey was nervous and anxious and it showed, she was also feeling terribly guilty and hoped that she could apologise enough. She had been incredibly stupid to accuse Alex of cheating, but her insecurities had heightened after she had been speaking to an old friend from college who had planted the idea into her head, however irrational it was. Coupled with the stress of work and just missing the blonde, Casey had made a mistake and she was paying for it.

"Case, relax. I know this isn't good and you're worried about Alex but you need to breathe, you're going to give yourself a panic attack" Serena said gently as she noticed Casey was musing, she had grown quieter and quieter as they neared their destination

Casey took a couple of deep breaths "I've just been such an idiot Re, and I've caused this. I just feel really guilty about everything"

Serena wanted to tell Casey that it wasn't her fault, but she knew the redhead would not believe here and she wasn't sure she believed that herself.

"I know" she answered "Come on"

Casey reluctantly exited the car and made her way through the doors to the stairwell. She climbed the first flight of stairs to the lobby, opting to take the elevator the remainder of the way.

Serena had text Olivia to tell her they had arrived once she had parked.

Reaching the blonde's apartment, Casey tentatively knocked and took a breath. The door opened and Olivia gave her a sad smile "Hi Casey. How are you feeling?"

"Like absolute crap Liv and that's just because of the alcohol. How is she?"

"She's sleeping. Casey, don't push her to talk and don't get angry. I know you're worried…" Olivia started as she stepped aside, allowing Casey to enter

"But it's my fault, I know" Casey finished, causing Olivia to sigh and shake her head

"I wasn't going to say that Casey. I was going to say that she's been denying anything is wrong and she might clam up if you push too hard"

Casey nodded "Are you guys staying?"

Olivia shook her head "We're going to head off. I think you two need to be alone for a bit, but if you really need me, my cell is on. Just call"

"Same goes for me" Serena added as she gave Casey a swift hug before she and Olivia left the apartment. Casey took a breath as she quietly closed the door behind her.

She didn't want to wake Alex but she didn't want to sit out in the living room by herself. She peeped into the blonde's room, where she had spent many nights over the last few months, even acquiring her own drawer and wardrobe space.

Alex was lying flat on her back, her eyes closed and legs curled beside her as her arms were stretched above her head. Casey tentatively approached, almost gasping when she saw the cuts lining the blonde's wrist. She felt a tear make its way along her cheek as she whispered "Oh Alex. I'm so sorry"

She wanted to touch the blonde, she wanted to hold her, comfort her, and love her but she knew she wouldn't be welcome. Taking a seat in the armchair she watched the steady rise and fall of the blonde's chest. The tears were rolling along her cheeks now, and she felt absolutely terrible for the pain she had caused this beautiful woman.

Alex began to stir a little after 10am. Casey was still crying, softly and quietly, as she reminisced happier times, and was unaware of the blonde's movement.

Alex shifted onto her side and was about to shout at the redhead when she realised she was crying and felt her own tears begin to slip out. "Casey" she whispered

Casey lifted her head and began to sob harder as she rushed over to the blonde. She stopped in front of the woman who had now sat up and began her tirade of emotional rambling "Alex, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was so stupid, I just…I was talking to Leah and she kept hinting at you cheating and I know you wouldn't. I just, I hadn't seen you for three days and you hadn't answered my calls or texts for hours and I just panicked and I wasn't really thinking. I am so sorry. What have I done to you?"

Alex shook her head, ashamed that the redhead felt that it was all her fault, and still a little angry that she had even accused her. "I'm fine Casey"

Casey looked up at the blonde and laughed "You're fine?" she said as she grabbed Alex's hand and pointed at the cuts "This is fine, is it?"

Alex pulled her hand away "Casey, please. It's nothing. I don't want to talk"

Casey took a breath, remembering Olivia's words "I'm not going to argue with you Alex. I just wanted to apologise, and tell you I love you, I really do. How about we go to the café and have breakfast and then we can decide what we're going to do"

"You think you can just walk back in saying you're sorry and everything will be okay?" Alex asked

Casey shook her head "No, I know you're not going to forgive me just like that but I want us to at least try and be civil to each other. You're not the only one who's hurting Alex. I've missed you, and I'm sorry, really sorry that I accused you of cheating, it was wrong and stupid and I don't want to fight with you. I want us to try and get along, I love you, are you saying you don't love me at all?"

"I love you a lot Casey, do you think if I didn't, I'd be like this?"

"Well, why won't you talk to me Alex? Tell me how you're feeling. You don't need to hurt yourself, you did nothing wrong. Hurt me Alex, hit me, punch me and scream at me but don't take it out on yourself" Casey sat gingerly on the bed beside the blonde, and wrapped her arm around her shoulders "Please Alex"

Alex began to cry, her body shook with emotion as she leant into the redhead's embrace "I'm sorry"

"Hey, you don't have to apologise for anything Alex. Do you think talking to someone would help?"

"I'm not crazy" Alex said adamantly as she tried to pull away, but Casey held her tightly

"I didn't say you were. You told me you harmed yourself when you were a teenager, Alex, you need to work through your emotions, find another way to release them"

"Says the woman who drinks herself stupid" Alex bites out

Casey shakes her head "I'm not perfect Alex. I'm going to go to see someone about my drinking habits, because it can't continue like this"

"Why didn't you come to see me before?" Alex asks timidly

"Because I didn't think you wanted me to. I was waiting for you to call me"

"We're both guilty of hurting each other" Alex whispers "And we're both stubborn and proud"

"Serena said the same thing to me" Casey replied with a chuckle "Alex, I love you"

"Can we go get that breakfast?" Alex asks

Casey smiles as she stands up, pulling the blonde with her "It'll be more like brunch by the time you shower and dress"

Alex nods "I won't be long"

"Do you want me to um, can I…shall…I'll come with you" Casey stutters out

Alex shakes her head "You're worried I'm gonna hurt myself aren't you?"

Casey nods as a tear slips down her cheek "I'm worried about you Alex"

"I'll be fine. I am fine. Please, let me shower and I'll be out in a while"

Casey reluctantly allows Alex to enter the bathroom, but she doesn't retreat away from the door, instead choosing to sit on the floor.

She hears the running of the shower and then Alex's voice "I know you're behind the door Casey"

"I'm just…let me do this"

Alex doesn't respond as she steps into the shower. She wants to cry but doesn't want Casey to panic and rush in. So she bites her lip and washes quickly. Grabbing a towel, she wraps it around herself before opening the door. She laughs when Casey tumbles backwards with the movement, as she had been leaning against the door.

"Jesus Alex, you could have warned me"

Alex helps Casey to her feet "You're cute when you're flustered"

Casey grins widely at Alex's humour "You're cute when you smile Alex"

Alex's smile fades as she realises she was happy for a moment "I'm just going to dress"

Casey is left wondering what the hell just happened. Alex usually strives on compliments, yet she seemed to tense at the one just given. Shaking her head she silently waits for Alex to dress, and then the blonde sits on the bed "I'm not really hungry anymore"

Casey sighs as she walks to where the blonde is sitting "Talk to me Alex. What are you thinking?"

"I…I want us to get back to normal but it isn't. You falling back like that Casey, it made me feel happy, like old times and then I just…I'm not meant to…I don't…Why is it so hard to let myself be happy?"

"Alex, I'll apologise over and over if I have to. I know this isn't going to be easy and we can't just pretend it didn't happen but baby, you're allowed to laugh, to smile if you want to. You just need to relax, stop reading into things" Casey said as she sits down beside the blonde

"I know. It's just what I do. I know you're sorry Casey, we've both been stupid"

"That's what relationships are about, we're allowed to argue but we shouldn't let things come between us. Make up sex is the best sex, right?"

Alex laughs "You have a one track mind Miss Novak"

"See, you can laugh and it's perfectly okay. But I'm not proposing we just fall into bed right now. I'm just saying, arguments and things are natural. We need to communicate and talk about things. I shouldn't have accused you of cheating; I jumped the gun, without thinking"

"I should have tried to make an effort to call you. I promise next time I'm working and we don't get to see one another, I'll call and text as much as I can and you can come visit me if you need reassuring Casey"

"I've never been lucky in love; relationships are not my strong suit. I just get insecure and wonder why you're with me"

Alex leans towards the redhead, kissing her cheek before whispering "I love you. You're funny, smart, and stubborn, you know what you want and you always get it. You're kind, caring; you make me feel special and loved. You're beautiful, you have amazing legs, you're ass is fantastic and you're breasts are just perfect. I love the way you look after we've made love, the way your hair is sprayed across the bed, the way you bite your lip when you cum. I love you Casey Novak, that's why I'm with you"

Casey's breath hitches "Now who's got a one track mind?"

Alex laughs "You're amazing Casey, trust me. I don't want anyone else but you"

Casey pulls the blonde into a hug kissing her neck "Come to the café with me. Just eat something, we can go for a walk through the park or we could come back here and snuggle"

Alex nods "I love you"

"I love you too sweetheart"

**So, what do you think? Will Alex admit she needs help, and will Casey stop drinking? What next for these two women?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's the next chapter. It's been a few days since last update but I've just been so busy. Hopefully I can get another update in over the weekend on this one and INEBY. But thank you all for your kind reviews **

Chapter 4:

Casey and Alex are walking through the park hand in hand on the way back to their Alex's apartment "Move in with me" Casey says quietly

Alex stops abruptly "Case…You don't trust me, do you? That's why you want me to move in"

Casey shakes her head "I love you and trust you; I just want to fall asleep with you, wake up with you and spend every minute in between in your arms. I just want us to be together Alex"

"Really?" the blonde asks "You don't just want to keep an eye on me?"

Casey sighs "I want to look after you, and be there for you but that's not the main reason. I trust you Alex, I may be worried about you, but I do trust you"

"You don't need to worry" Alex says quietly as she continues walking, although no longer holding the redheads hand

Casey sighs, again at being told she doesn't have to worry and because she didn't get an answer and she knows Alex is still angry at her.

"Maybe I'm moving too fast. I just, I want to be with you Alex. If this separation told me anything, it's that I can't live without you, I can't function without talking to you at least once a day and I can't sleep without you by my side. Alex I love you, I just want to be with you" she says quietly

Alex nods "I can't live without you either Casey, I just…do you really mean all that?"

"Yes, with my entire heart. I love you. If you're more comfortable in your place then I could move in with you, or we could look for a place that's entirely ours? Or if you're not sure yet then we can talk about it again in a couple of months" Casey suggests, although she hopes that won't be the case

"Can I think about it? I'm not saying no, but a lot has happened this last few weeks Casey and I…don't want to make a decision I'll regret" Alex says almost hesitantly

Casey nods as she reaches for Alex's hand, breathing a sigh of relief when the blonde allows the contact.

The walk back to Alex's is quiet, both women are deep in thought and as soon as they enter the apartment head in separate directions, Alex to the bathroom, and Casey to the kitchen.

* * *

Olivia knocked on the door to the blonde's apartment at around lunchtime the next day. She had tried ringing both Casey and Alex but had got both of their voicemails, she had wondered if they were busy reconciling and didn't want to be disturbed but after ringing numerous times over the course of the last 3 hours, and not once getting either woman, she became worried.

The door swung open and an inebriated redhead appeared "Hey whatsshup?" she slurred

Olivia shook her head as she pushed past the redhead "Where's Alex?"

"Beats me" Casey shrugged taking a swig of the beer in her hand. Olivia snatched it away and poured it into the sink, before searching for Alex. She found her curled up on the bathroom floor crying and a blade in her hand

"Alex? What did you do?" she asked worriedly

"Nothing" Alex replies "I couldn't…I wanted to, god do I want to but I couldn't. I just…Casey's drunk isn't she?"

"Did you two have an argument?" Olivia asked as she took the blade from the blonde's shaking hand

Alex shook her head "She asked me to move in with her. We discussed it, but I asked for some time. I think she felt I was saying no. I just…everything's a mess Olivia. How can we be in the same apartment and end up acting like this?"

Olivia sighed "Do you want to move in with her?"

Alex nodded "I love her so much but I feel like she's trying to keep an eye on me. I don't need that"

Olivia nodded her head "Alex, you're strong, you could have hurt yourself but you didn't. You knew it wasn't the answer even if it's what you wanted to do. That's a great achievement and when Casey sobers up. She'll realise it but you need to see that she does love you and the separation hurt her too"

Alex nodded "She's really struggling isn't she?"

Olivia nodded "I think so. She knows she made a mistake accusing you of cheating, and I'm worried about how she's dealing with that. I've seen what alcoholism can do to a person Alex, she needs help"

Alex nodded "She said she was going to talk to someone to get help, yet the first thing she did when we got back here was get a drink"

"And the first thing you did was come in here and pick up that blade" Olivia counters "You didn't use it, and that's good but you both have your own ways of coping and neither of them are healthy. You need to talk, openly and get help"

"I'm…" Alex begins

Olivia shakes her head "No, Alex. You're not okay so don't even try that with me. I'm going to call Serena and she'll come over to talk to Casey…and you and me, we're going to go shopping. Some retail therapy will do you good and trust me, Serena will make Casey see sense"

Olivia called Serena, briefly explaining the situation before the pair left the bathroom. Casey was sitting on the couch, eyes drooped. She hadn't taken another drink and Olivia hoped that her actions had caused Casey to sober a little. She hadn't had a lot to drink but the redhead's alcohol tolerance was not high.

Serena arrived about 20 minutes later, her own apartment not far from Alex's. She was greeted at the door by Olivia and Alex "We're heading out" Olivia said before turning to Alex "You go on ahead"

Alex nodded as she walked down the hallway, and when she was out of sight Olivia started to speak to Serena "Casey's on the couch. Basically, she asked Alex to move in with her and Alex asked for time to think, it seems Casey took this as a negative answer and as soon as they got back she went to get a drink. Alex went into the bathroom, she didn't cut herself but she wanted to and I don't know how long she could have stopped herself from doing it if I hadn't arrived. You need to make Casey see what she's doing. I know they're both in a bad place and I know Casey has a problem but her actions affect Alex, more than I think she realises"

Serena nodded "I'll talk to her, don't you worry"

Olivia thanked the blonde before heading off to the find Alex.

* * *

Serena grabbed Casey by the arm as she pulled her towards the bathroom

"What the fuck?" the redhead exclaimed as she opened her eyes

Serena ignored the language used by the woman as she turned on the shower taps and pushed Casey into the cubicle, fully clothed

"Jesus" Casey screamed as the cold water hit her

Serena refused to let Casey out for a full minute, before yanking her from the shower and chucking her a towel and a pair of sweats and a t-shirt she had taken from the drier "Put these on" she ordered before exited the bathroom.

10 minutes later a very pissed Casey opened the door "What the fuck was that Serena?!"

"That was me sobering you up so you could actually realise how pathetic you are!"

Casey blinked at the blonde's harsh tone, one she hadn't been accustomed to hearing. "Where's Alex?"

Serena sat on the couch and ordered the redhead to sit as well "She's with Olivia. While you were drinking yourself stupid she was sobbing her heart out in the a bathroom with a blade to her wrist"

Casey bolted upright "Is she okay?!"

Serena laughed "She's fine. She couldn't bring herself to cut even though she desperately wanted to. You have a fucking strong girlfriend Casey; you need to clean up your act"

"She accused me of only wanting to keep an eye on her" Casey said quietly

"Olivia explained. Listen, she didn't say no, she just asked if she could think about it. She needs to evaluate and plan; she needs to write pros and cons. That's Alex. She never said no"

"I was just…I'm worried about her"

"And she's worried about you. But you thought of yourself Casey, you didn't even notice she had gone into the bathroom; you were too transfixed on your drink. Casey, Alex needs your support and she'll give you hers if you at least try and understand where she's coming from"

Casey nodded "Did you really have to toss me in the shower?"

Serena chuckled "It soon sobered you up"

"I wasn't drunk" Casey defended

"You need to stop denying everything Casey!" Serena chided

Casey shrugged her shoulders "Is Alex going to come back?"

Serena nodded "It's her apartment, so yes, she'll be back. Casey, talk to her. Tell her why you feel the need to drink and she might open up about the cutting. Just don't go all defensive on her, and if she tells you she's fine, don't get angry. You both need to figure this out. It's tearing you apart physically and emotionally"

Casey nodded as she sighed and leant back in the couch "I really love her Re"

"And she loves you"

"I don't want to lose her" Casey whispered

**Feedback appreciated x**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the little wait on this chapter...so busy these days. Hope this chapter isn't that bad. It's a little emotional, just a warning. **

Chapter 5:

Olivia and Alex returned to the blonde's apartment and as soon as Alex let herself in, Casey was in her arms "I am so sorry" she cried clinging to the shocked but still angry blonde who stood rotted to the spot, trying to comprehend what was happening.

"Casey, I never said no…I just need time to think about everything. I really want to move in with you, but I have to be sure that it's the right decision and I can't just make that right now" Alex tried to explain but she was finding herself struggling not to cry as the emotions of the last couple of hours came forth.

Olivia placed her hand on the blonde's back before saying quietly "We're gonna go. If you need me, call"

Alex nodded as she looked at Casey who had been pulled to the side by Serena "Talk to her. You need to Casey, remember what I said"

Casey nodded as she watched both Serena and Olivia exit the apartment. As the door closed she stepped towards Alex who shook her head and sat down on the couch. "Casey, why do you drink?"

The redhead shrugged her shoulders before sinking into the couch next to Alex "I don't know…" she began but then remembered Serena's words "I do know actually. I feel like if I can block out certain things by drinking, I won't have to deal with them, I know it's wrong and silly because the same damn problems are still there but…I just…it takes me someplace else for a while. I'm not addicted Alex, I could stop"

"Could you? Go a week without drinking, and then tell me the same thing" Alex said to the redhead

"Could you stop cutting?" Casey fired back and then seeing the hurt look on her girlfriends face she began to cry "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that…Alex…I know you stopped yourself earlier, and I'm proud of you for that. I know it was my fault in the first place…I'm sorry"

Alex shook her head "Casey, I could stop. I did before remember"

"When you were a teenager?" Casey questioned

Alex nodded as she stood up "Casey, come here" she said offering her hand and pulling the redhead into the kitchen. She placed a bottle of beer in front of Casey and ordered her "Drink it"

Casey shook her head, but her eyes were firmly glued to the bottle. Alex picked up the bottle, flipped the cap and took a swig before offering it to Casey, the redhead automatically reached out for it. She gasped and her eyes went wide when Alex poured it into the sink

"What did you do that for?" Casey questioned angrily

Alex took a step back "And you could stop" she whispered before sitting at the kitchen table "Casey, you need help"

"Why do you cut?" Casey asked changing the subject

Alex sighed but knew she needed to be honest in order to make Casey open up "Because the pain of cutting takes away the pain in here" she explained, placing a hand over her heart "Seeing the blood, it's like all that bad stuff inside me is being let free. Except it doesn't Case, it's still there and it still hurts"

She's letting her guard down and the tears are flowing from her eyes and she hastily wipes them away "Casey, I can stop…I know I can but you need to talk to someone about your drinking. What about joining an AA group or something"

Casey shook her head "I can't…I'll get help, but not AA or anything"

Alex nodded "Don't ask me to stop cutting then" she said as she stood and opened the drawer. Casey's eyes went wide as she ran towards Alex, grabbing her hands before she reached the knives.

"Jesus Alex. What were you going to do? Cut yourself in front of me?!" she almost screamed in fear

Alex shrugged "You won't get help" she muttered

"Alex. If I go to an AA meeting will you go see someone too?" Casey asked

"I don't…I….maybe" Alex said quietly

Casey sighed as she led Alex out into the living room "We're a mess aren't we?" she said quietly "We need to do this for ourselves. You need to want to stop cutting, and I need…I want to stop drinking Alex, I just…I'm scared"

Alex nodded "Me too. I know how hard it was to stop before and I don't know if I can do it again"

"You can't keep hurting yourself Alex; you can't keep denying it's not a problem"

Alex closed her eyes "I love you Casey"

"I love you too Alex, so much. Will you get help, for me? I'll go to an AA meeting, I won't promise anything. But we have to try; I don't want to lose you"

"Will you trust me? Do you trust me?" Alex asked "You thought I was cheating Casey, how do I know you're not going to accuse me of something else next week?"

Casey shrugged "I do trust you Alex. I wasn't thinking properly before. Al, do you trust me?"

Alex looked at the redhead and then shook her head "No, I don't. Not 100% anyway. I know you'd never cheat, but I don't trust that you'll go to a meeting, or that you'll not have a drink and not tell me"

Casey nodded "I think I better go"

"Where?" Alex asked "Case, don't go and get drunk just because I said I didn't trust you, that would just give me reason"

"I'll go home. I'll get Serena to come over, and we'll…I don't know, watch telly and drink water" she chuckled at her own joke but earned a glare from Alex "Sorry, not funny"

Alex shook her head "Don't go. We can watch a movie, we can snuggle and relax and talk. Can you honestly say you trust me Casey, really? Relationships are built on trust, and while right now, my trust in you is dwindling, it's there…I love you and I don't want us to break up. Look what being apart does to us Casey"

Casey nodded "I'm sorry"

Alex reached out and pulled the redhead into her arms "Can you hold me too?"

Casey wrapped her arms around Alex and they held each other as they both began to cry.

* * *

A few hours later, Alex awoke from Casey's arms and hoisted herself from the couch. She switched on the computer and decided to do some research while the redhead was asleep. They had cried themselves out in each other's arms and both had drifted into sleep.

Searching the web, she printed off a list of AA meeting points, and some phone numbers as well as a couple of counsellors and hotlines. She didn't like to admit there was a problem and she's deny it if she could but if Casey was going to get help, she would too.

Being away from the redhead had shown her how much the woman meant to her. After she had finished on the computer, she took her notebook and pen and began to list the pros and cons of living with Casey.

**Pros of living with Casey**

**Easier to commute to work**

**With her all the time**

**I love her**

**Next step in relationship (a commitment)**

**Financial benefit (not that we need to worry about money)**

**Cons of living with Casey **

**No quality time, dates etc**

**Commitment, a big step**

**Feel as though she's trying to baby sit me. Trust**

Once Alex had made the list as it was, she realised she was struggling to find more con's and her subconscious was trying to tell her why it wouldn't be a good idea and not why it would. She already knew that she loved Casey and that she wanted to be with her forever, that was no question, and they'd often slept over at each other's, in fact it was a regular occurrence. So why was this different? Why was she hesitant now?

Making her decision Alex curled back onto the couch, resting her head on the redhead's shoulder who moaned in her sleep. Alex placed a gentle kiss to her temple, and watched the woman sleep.

**Leave your thoughts please :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Here we go with another chapter. As always, just be aware that this story deals with alcohol addiction and self-harm. **

Chapter 6:

"Hey" Alex whispered as Casey awoke from her sleep. Green eyes met blue and lips met tentatively before succumbing to the dance within each other's mouths. Casey moaned against Alex before pulling away breathless "I'm sorry Alex" she whispered "I'm sorry for everything"

"Shh" Alex said placing a finger of the redhead's lips before looking her straight in the eyes "Yes"

Casey furrowed her brows and Alex gave a slight chuckle before removing her finger and placing her lips in its place "Yes, I'll move in with you" she murmured before pulling Casey closer to her.

"Are you serious?"

"100%" the blonde nodded as she pulled Casey to her chest and placed a gentle kiss on her head.

"Shall we go out and celebrate?" Casey asked

Alex pulled back and held Casey at arm's length "Case…" she half whispered in shock, looking at the redhead intently

Casey sighed "I won't drink Alex. I'll have orange juice"

Alex nodded before pulling Casey back to her chest "I'm sorry. I just worry about you Casey…I know this is going to hard for us both"

Casey murmured her agreement "I love you Alex"

"I love you too Casey. How about I phone Liv and the girls…?"

Casey gave a small smile "I'd like that. I really am sorry Alex, for everything"

"I know" Alex told the redhead

"I feel bad that you're hurting and I'm to blame for it. I don't know how I'm meant to make it up to you"

Alex sighed "Casey, this isn't your fault" she said touching her arm where the cuts were hidden under the fabric of her shirt "It's mine. The best thing you can do is get help for your drinking, and be honest with me"

Casey nodded "I will" she replied nervously

* * *

"Hey" Olivia said hugging the blonde and then redhead as they cautiously approached the table at the bar they often frequented

"Hi" Alex said with a smile while Casey shifted uncomfortably beside her girlfriend.

"Casey" Serena said with a nod before embracing the redhead "Are you okay?"

Casey nodded but all could tell she was uncomfortable with the setting. Serena and Olivia shared a look while Kim and Abbie cautiously finished their drinks. They didn't want to drink in front of the redhead, knowing the situation she was in.

"How about we go back to mine, for take-out?" Serena suggested, much to Olivia's relief

Alex nodded as she took Casey's hand "Come on. Let's go Case" she whispered

Casey took a breath as they stepped onto the sidewalk and into the fresh air.

Olivia, Alex and Casey piled into a taxi while Serena, Abbie and Kim got into another and they headed to Serena's apartment.

* * *

Once at the blonde's Serena took everyone's order for Chinese while Kim and Abbie squabbled over which movie to watch.

Olivia was sitting on the couch with Alex and Casey beside her. Alex was holding the redhead against her chest and Olivia was asking how both were feeling

"How are you both doing?"

"We're okay" Alex said quietly, looking at Casey for confirmation "I'm moving in with her on Friday"

Olivia gave her friends a smile "I'm pleased for you both. How are you doing otherwise?"

Alex looked at Casey before answering "I'm okay"

Casey gave a small smile "An hour at a time" she answered and Olivia knew them well enough to know that they were both not doing as well as they said and were going to need a lot of help and support over the next few months.

Kim exclaimed "Okay, you win!" making both Alex and Casey jump, before Olivia laughed and the tension was broken slightly

"So, what are watching?" Serena asked "Chinese is ordered and should be about 40 minutes"

"Good. I'm starving" Abbie said "And Kim won so we're watching 'Bend it like Beckham'"

"Uh" Serena groaned "I watched that last week, with Kim, no less"

Kim laughed "It's my favourite film. It's no worse than Alex with 'Legally Blonde'"

Alex gave a slight smile "I don't watch it every week Kim"

Kim laughed and admitted defeat "Okay, okay, maybe I'm a little obsessed"

The six girls engaged in small talk while the film was playing, although Kim was mainly glued to the screen and Casey and Alex were very quiet. It was noticeable to all that both women were struggling and had a lot going through their heads.

Abbie was glad that Serena had offered up her apartment for the evening as it was obvious that being near alcohol was causing Casey distress. Yet all the women were very aware that Alex's problem was just as big and she seemed to be trying to put on a brave front for Casey.

When the food arrived, Casey began to fidget and Alex knew she was aching for a drink. Usually now would be the time when the wine would be opened to drink along with the take-out meal. Alex herself didn't feel like eating and was picking on the food she had put onto her plate.

Kim shared a knowing glance with Serena, but no one knew exactly what to say to the two women. They had hoped that after reconciliation both women would be much happier but it was obvious that they both had serious problems and it wasn't going to be easy for them.

"Alex, you need to eat" Olivia told the blonde firmly causing Kim, Abbie and Serena to turn their attention to the blonde and brunette. Casey had grown quiet and she moved from the space beside Alex. Serena followed and shook her head when she saw Casey searching for alcohol.

"Casey" she said quietly touching the redheads elbow and leading her from the kitchen, past the living room and into her bedroom where she shut the door "Talk to me"

"I need a drink Re. Just a small one" Casey told the woman as she sat down on the blonde's bed

"No you don't Casey. I know it's hard and I know you're in a bad place but you don't need to drink. You can beat this, I know you can"

Casey shook her head "You saw Alex, she could barely eat. She's depressed and I'm worried about her, so fucking worried Serena. I'm not helping and I don't know what I'm going to do"

"You're going to go and get help and you're going to support Alex, because you love her and she loves you and without each other you're a mess. You need each other Casey. She needs you" Serena tells Casey

"I don't know if I'm strong enough" Casey murmurs

Serena sighs as she takes the redhead by the hand "You are. Come on; let's go back to the others. You might want a drink but you don't need one Casey and you're not getting one here"

Casey reluctantly follows Serena back into the living room. Alex raises a brow in questioning whether Casey is okay. The redhead gives her a smile and sits beside her "I'm fine" she murmurs "Eat"

Alex shakes her head "I've had enough. I really want to go home"

Casey nods her head "Come on. We'll go to mine"

Alex shakes her head "No. I want to go home to my apartment, please. I just want to be alone for a bit"

Casey looks worriedly at the blonde and then at Olivia, who has heard the conversation, she motions for Casey to give her some space and the redhead reluctantly heads over to where Kim, Abbie and Serena are setting up another film.

* * *

Olivia places a hand on Alex's shoulder, startling the blonde "Hey" she says gently "What's wrong Al?"

Alex sighs and shakes her head "Nothing. I'm fine"

Olivia looks at Alex raising an eyebrow and gives a light chuckle "That's bull and we both know it. Alex, why don't you want to go with Casey?"

"I just want to be on my own for a bit. I said I'd move in with her on Friday, but I still need my own space. I just want to go home and sleep, in my own bed, in my own room. On my own"

Olivia sighs "Alex, Casey's worried about you"

"She wants to keep an eye on me but I don't need her to do that. I know I need help Olivia, and I said I'd talk to someone about things but I don't need a chaperone, someone to watch me 24/7"

Olivia nods in understanding "How about if I come stay with you tonight? I won't follow you about, I won't ask you to talk, or keep questioning if you're okay. I'll take the couch"

"You don't trust me either" Alex retorts

Olivia sighs "Alex, It's not about trust. You're my friend, and I care about you and I'm worried about you. I understand you don't want Casey with you, but at the same time. I think you both need each other, that's why you're both in this mess"

"I just want to be alone Olivia. Please, can you take me home?"

"Let me talk to Serena a minute. See if she can stay with Casey. I'm worried that she'll drink if she's by herself"

Alex feels bad that she doesn't want to be around Casey at the moment or anyone else for that matter and she knows Casey is struggling. She just isn't sure if she can cope with the redhead's need to drink and keep herself safe either.

**Being apart has hurt these women badly, but now Alex is trying to keep her distance. Can they sort things out and how?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Here's the next chapter :) **

**Again, thank you for all your reviews, really means a lot to me, sorry for the wait, just been very busy and it's not been an easy couple of days. I don't know when I'll update INEBY or ISAIH just yet, hopefully in the next couple of days I can get something sorted. **

**TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic descriptions of self-harm, please read with caution**

Chapter 7:

"Alex?" Olivia questions as they approach the blonde's apartment

"I'll be fine Olivia. I'm tired and I just want to go to bed"

Olivia nods as she reaches for Alex's hand "If you need someone to talk to, or if you need me to come over then call. Alex, please, call anytime"

The blonde gives Olivia a small smile before opening the door and stepping inside "Thanks Liv" she says before closing the door behind her

Olivia hopes that Alex will call if she needs her, but she doesn't hold out much hope.

However, Alex has sunk to the ground in tears, her whole body shaking as she fights with the urge to take the blade across her wrist. Slowly crawling towards the bathroom, she pushes open the door, before hoisting herself up onto the edge of the bath tub. She finds the blade and turns it over in her hand before rolling up her sleeves, she drags it gently across her arm, watching as tiny droplets of red seep through the flesh, before she digs harder, lifting it and bring it down once, twice, three times, over and over.

Olivia reaches her car and then changes her mind, she can't leave the blonde, no matter how much Alex says she'll be fine, the brunette is worried about her friend

"Alex!" Olivia calls out in the apartment, after knocking for a third time

The blonde faintly registers the voice but her body is becoming weak as the blood continues to drip from the gashes inflicted moments earlier.

Olivia is worried; she only left the blonde for a few minutes, not long enough for her to fall asleep. She's obviously not answering the door for a reason. Olivia takes her cell and calls Serena, hoping that Kim hasn't left yet, knowing she has keys.

"Hello?"

"Serena, is Kim still with you?" Olivia hurries out down the phone

"Yes. Olivia? What's going on?"

"Can you tell her I need the keys to Alex's? And hurry, please"

"Olivia?"

"Just get me the keys, and quickly" Olivia says ending the call and knocking again. "Alex?! Alex, please open the door if you can, or just let me know you're okay"

"Liv…" it's a faint sound but it's Alex and Olivia sighs in relief

"Thank god. Alex, are you okay?"

"Liv…"

It takes Kim 10 minutes to get to Alex's apartment; Serena, Abbie and Casey are all with her and extremely worried. Olivia has been trying to keep Alex awake, she isn't sure what's happened or what Alex had done, but she can tell by the drowsiness in Alex's voice that she's gradually losing consciousness.

She takes the keys from Kim, telling Casey to wait outside. Serena and Abbie are holding the redhead back, knowing that she doesn't need to see whatever lies in wait.

Olivia rushes into the bathroom, hearing the faint moans of a barely conscious Alex. She almost gasps at the sight before her. Alex lying half in the tub, her left arm marred with huge angry gashes, still bleeding rather profusely.

"Liv" she whispers

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay. Kim, call an ambulance" she says, looking at the brunette who has tears sliding along her cheeks as she looks at her friend "Kim, she needs an ambulance"

The younger woman nods and takes her phone, shakily calling 911 while Olivia puts pressure onto the wounds with a towel

"Olivia!" Casey calls from outside

Serena calls out "Olivia, I can't hold her back much longer"

Olivia tells Kim to stay with Alex, checking she's got the towel that's stemming the blood loss before heading out of the apartment.

"She's cut herself pretty bad Casey. You don't need to see her like that" she tells the redhead before turning to the blonde "Re, take Casey back to yours, Abbie, you too. Me and Kim, we'll go with Alex, I'll call"

Serena nods, although she is worried about Alex, she knows that Casey will need her to and that seeing Alex in her current state won't do any of them any good. "Come on Case"

"No. I need to see Alex, why did she do it? Why couldn't she talk to me, or to you, or any of us? She pushed me away; she knew what she was going to do"

"Casey, Alex is in a bad place right now. The best you can do, is take care of yourself…she'll be okay, I'll make sure of it" Olivia tells the redhead reassuringly

Once Serena and Abbie have taken Casey, she heads back into the apartment, where Kim is holding Alex in her arms, the towel now coated in the blonde's blood. Alex has lost consciousness and Olivia begs the ambulance to get there soon.

The paramedics rush in, connecting the blonde to an IV drip, and placing an oxygen mask over her face. Olivia tells Kim to ride with her and she'll follow in the car.

* * *

"Kim? What's happening?" Olivia asks as she enters the ER

"She's being stitched up, they've stopped the bleeding and she's awake but she won't talk to anyone. I was told I could see her once they were done"

Olivia breaths out a sigh of relief "Thank god she's okay"

"Why did she do this Olivia? Was she trying to kill herself, do you think?"

Olivia only hopes that this wasn't the blonde's intention as she takes an obviously shaken Kim in her arms. The two women, Kim and Alex had known each other for years and while they had been separated by a disagreement a few years previously, Kim still cared deeply for her friend.

"I don't know Kim" Olivia tells her "But we're going to get her help"

"Shouldn't we call Casey?"

"Let's talk to Alex first, find out what she was thinking" Olivia replies as she notices a doctor approaching them

"Miss Greylek?" he asks and Kim nods

"I'm a friend of Alex's"

"Miss Cabot's wounds are deep but not life threatening. She missed the artery by millimetres, she's very lucky. A psychiatric nurse will be around to see her shortly but you can both see her"

They thank him for his help and head into the room where Alex has been placed.

"Alex, honey" Kim says as she approaches the bed

Alex looks up at her friends and tears well in her eyes "I am so sorry"

Olivia takes the blonde's right hand in her own "Alex. Why didn't you talk to me? I told you I was there for you"

"I just needed to feel something. I really am sorry"

Kim sighs "Alex, were you trying to take your life?"

Alex gasps and then shakes her head "No. No, I don't want to die, I didn't mean to cut so deep, or so much. I just couldn't stop"

Olivia squeezes the blonde's hand "its okay Alex, just relax. Take it easy"

"Casey…"

"She knows what happened, when I called Kim, Casey came with Re and Abs. I wouldn't let her see you Alex" Olivia tells her

"Do you want me to call her and tell her to come, Alex?" Kim asks

Alex shakes her head "Not now, I just…can I just be on my own? I'm tired"

Olivia shakes her head "I made that mistake once Alex, not again. If you're tired, sleep"

Alex closes her eyes, her body drained from its blood loss before she succumbs to sleep.

* * *

When she awakes its light and obviously morning. She notices Olivia asleep in the chair to her right and when she turns her head she is met with Kim's worried eyes.

"Morning Alex, you slept well"

"Have you been here all night?" Alex asks

Kim nods "We've both been here all night; we weren't going to leave you"

"I mean what I said Kim, I wasn't trying to kill myself"

Kim nods "I believe you Alex, but you nearly did. You frightened me, and you frightened Olivia too. Not to mention Serena, Abbie and Casey…we care about you, you can always talk to us"

"Casey probably hates me"

Kim shakes her head "No, she doesn't. She can't understand why you hurt yourself, why you didn't tell her how you were feeling"

"She was struggling Kim, she wanted to drink. I could see that, I could see what I did to her"

"Alex, you both are in a bad place. But it isn't your fault that she's drinking, nor is it hers that you're hurting yourself, is it?"

Olivia begins to stir. Opening her eyes, she groans at the light before smiling at the blonde "Hey"

"Hi" Alex murmurs out embarrassedly

"Alex" Olivia says gently "The psychiatrist will be round to talk to you again. She came last night but we asked her not to disturb you"

"Thanks" Alex tells the brunette

"How are you feeling now?" Olivia questions

"Okay" Alex answers truthfully "I feel awful for scaring you"

"Alex, you're going to get help and Serena's going to get Casey to make an appointment at an AA meet and with a psychiatrist too. You'll both get through this, but you need to talk to each other, openly and honestly" Olivia tells her

"And we're all going to be here for you both. Abbie's spoken to Liz, and you've both been given some time to get yourself well again" Kim adds

Alex looks at Olivia with wide eyes, in worry and Olivia knows what she's thinking "Alex, if you both get help and try to get better then you're records will be clean. This will go out as vacation days"

Alex nods and closes her eyes briefly "Thank you" she whispers out

"You're welcome" both Kim and Olivia reply

"Shall I call Casey now? Olivia asks

Alex nods and gives a smile "I miss her. Did you talk to her last night?"

Olivia nods "She was worried about you, but she was with Serena so she wasn't alone and I think Abbie stayed too"

The brunette detective leaves the room to call the redhead. Kim takes Alex's hand in her own "Alex, we're all here for you, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry"

"Just get better Alex, just get better" Kim tells the blonde, hoping that this has sparked Alex into realising that she needs help.

**Leave your thoughts **


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